


Vamping it Up

by Daegaer



Category: Saiyuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Gen, Ghosts, Humor, M/M, Tutoring, Vampire Slayer(s), Werewolves, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daegaer/pseuds/Daegaer
Summary: Hakkai and Gojyo like to think that they are jaded, horrific, awe-inspiring vampires, caught forever like motes of half-life in blood-drenched amber. Yes. They'd like to think that.
Relationships: Cho Hakkai/Sha Gojyo, Genjo Sanzo/Son Goku
Kudos: 13





	1. Tutor of the Night

One of the worst things about being a vampire, Hakkai reflected, was that sometimes one really couldn't pick the low hanging fruit. Gojyo, now, he never had qualms about "over-enthusiastic" nibbling on the many, _many_ girls he seemed to have falling over his feet and out of their tops – dear me. No, Hakkai was succumbing to horrifically sexist views there. He might be a creature of the night, but that didn't mean he couldn't be _progressive_. The girls could wear as little as they pleased. It was their choice. And it certainly made for a pretty picture once Gojyo got going – no, no, just because he was one of the undead, condemned to stalk the darkness for all eternity, it didn't mean he had to be a voyeur, no matter what other vampires said.

"Why must I be a soulless husk of a man, and yet have a conscience?" he moaned melodramatically into his Starbucks Hallowe'en glow-in-the-dark tumbler.

"English Lit major," the baristas whispered to each other.

"Excuse me?"

The young man who was standing by the table was in the prime of his young life, his delightfully moronic form just _pumping_ blood – and other fluids – around like it was going out of style. He smelled good enough to eat. And was quite handsome, in a smoothed-out Western manner. Dear me, what _would_ Gojyo say, if this was one of his girls? Maybe Hakkai could say it to this delightful mouthful.

"Hakkai? Hakkai Cho?"

"Yes?"

"I'm Adrian! Are you sure you can help? Your advert really drew me in."

"It's supposed to," Hakkai said, with a closed-lipped smile. "All right, Adrian, have a seat. Let's discuss the issues you've been having."

Adrian sat beside him, so warm, so _delicious._ He was like a six foot tall warm cake delivered right to the table of someone who could still eat cakes. Was that objectification? Maybe it was. Hakkai considered the matter as Adrian pulled out a battered _Norton's Anthology of Poetry_ and opened it to the _Faerie Queene_. 

"I know this is going to come up on my mid-terms, dude, but I just can't understand it. If you really can tutor me you're a lifesaver."

"Thanks," Hakkai said, sighing at the insult.

"Hey, you want a refill? I won't take it out of your fee of course!"

"Sure," Hakkai said, handing the tumbler over. "Extra raspberry sauce, please."

He looked from delicious Adrian down to the equally tasty literature. He was a _good_ teacher. And he respected the duty of care that teachers had for their students.

He watched Adrian get their drinks and pressed his hand delicately to his brow. Sometimes he really wished he could pick the low-hanging fruit.


	2. Coming up to Bat

"Look," Gojyo said. "There's a nice, easy meal for you. You just gotta get your groove back, man!"

Hakkai narrowed his eyes at the teenage boy riding his skateboard on the pavement. It was _most_ inconsiderate of pedestrians and this _was_ a school night when any good child his age should have been tucked up and dreaming of quadratic equations. Perhaps he _did_ deserve to be eaten. On the other hand –

"He's very young, Gojyo."

"Fresh," Gojyo hissed. "Sweet." He tossed his blood-red hair back and smiled in a way that made the sodium lights glint off his fangs. "Live a little."

"Well, technically –"

"Oh, for – just suck him dry!"

Before Hakkai could debate the ethics of underage vampiric devoural any further, their greatest rival – and, as he liked to claim, nemesis – Vladimir Vostock leapt down from a roof to land in front of the boy, like a panther pouncing down upon an innocent jungle creature with really big eyes and a cute expression. Or like an animated corpse in a tuxedo hopping off a garage roof in front of a skeptical looking teen.

"Would you like to join the choirs of the children of the night?" he said in a regrettable accent that originated only in the foetid shallows of his own mind.

"I'm gonna kill that fucker!" Gojyo snarled. "Make him _deader_ , OK? Don't nitpick, Hakkai!" he added before Hakkai had done more than raise one finger. "Hey, Frank! That's ours!"

"There is no Frank, only Vlad," Vostock declaimed, swirling his opera cape menacingly.

"Cool, _vampires_ ," the boy said, kicking up his board. "Are you gonna fight over who gets to chomp on my neck?"

"Yes," Gojyo said.

"No," Vostock said. "I have claimed you, human youngling."

"Cool," the boy said again. "Just stand there and let me gape at your overwhelming manly aura for a moment, would ya?"

It was at that exact point in time that Hakkai turned into a bat and flew into Gojyo's hair, causing him to shriek and run away to a secluded corner to untangle them.

"What the hell, man?" 

"Look!"

An icily disdainful, pretty-featured blond stepped into the circle of the street lights, voice already raised in a mystic chant. He reached a climactic cry and Vostock exploded into dust.

"Whoa," Gojyo said, smoothing down his hair. "There goes Frank."

The boy grinned and pointed in their direction, as if he could easily see in the dark. The blond swung around to face them, his fingers already shaping ritual gestures to channel the spell, starting his chant again.

Gojyo and Hakkai turned into very small, very fast bats and got the hell out of there.

Neither of them had any desire to face the scourges of the undead and associated monsters, ghouls and general creepy spiritual beings, the infamous Sanzo the vampire slayer and his kid sidekick, known only as Monkeyboy.


	3. Dead can Dance

"Why have you had your ear pieced?" Hakkai said, looking in disapproval at the shining golden ring in Gojyo's earlobe.

"It's cool and raffish," Gojyo said, flicking it with a claw-like fingernail so that it rang with a high, sharp tone. "The chicks really dig it."

"But we heal unnaturally quickly and completely. Doesn't it just – go away?"

" . . . Yeah. I've had to have it done three times already. The last time I couldn't get the girl to forget she'd done it before."

"So you ate her?"

"Well, _yeah_. Now I have to find someone else to do it."

Hakkai sighed and watched Gojyo admiring himself in front of an ancient, clouded mirror. Not _in_ the mirror of course, just standing in front of it. He really was an excellent example of a vampire: tall, rangy, good-looking, full of animal magnetism (sometimes too much, it could be embarrassing to be followed down the road by _quite_ so many rats) and really quite the most enchanting creature imaginable outside of the idealised creations of the world's best literary minds. 

"Why are you looking at me like that, man?"

"Just reminding myself how much I enjoy the company of women," Hakkai said, in an extremely convincing manner.

"Of course you do! They're so _small_ and bouncy and _round_ -"

"Please don't hold your hands like that."

" – and they taste like hot, fresh bread. Remember _bread_ , Hakkai?"

They both sighed melodramatically.

"Do you ever wish we hadn't succumbed to the unholy desire to evade the mysteries of death to wander forever in the doomed twilight of the undead, Gojyo?" Hakkai said, his face upturned to the light of the moon and his hand delicately pressed over where his heart had once beaten. It was a pose he'd seen in a rather overwrought illustration in a nineteenth century romantic novel, and he had secretly practiced until he had perfected it.

"Nah," Gojyo said. "Not really. But I'm glad we got over that hopping stage. Some of those European vampires are still real bitches about it. Hey, you want to go dancing?"

"To a discotheque?" Hakkai said in distaste. He hadn't quite got over Gojyo's regrettable devotion to low-slung velvet bell-bottoms, or the even more regrettable fake moustache. Dear me, those slacks had been _extremely_ low-slung. Extremely. Perhaps regrettable wasn't quite the word.

"Whoa, I know we're from a different time, but you are seriously old-fashioned. Yeah. A discotheque. Where we can snack on girls during the slow-dances."

"I don't know," Hakkai said. "It seems awfully dishonest, and not the sort of thing upright, decent vampires should engage in. The young ladies expect a pleasant social occasion, not to be _eaten_."

"I can assure you, being eaten is on the agenda of lots of modern young ladies," Gojyo grinned. "Social snacking only, Hakkai. No full meals."

Hakkai thought about it. He _was_ rather hungry, and a willing snack would make for a nice change. On the other hand –

"I haven't gone dancing in decades! I'm a terrible dancer."

"That's OK. It'll be terrible music. Terrible, _loud_ music that'll drown out any squeaks, with a girl you'll be wrapped around. In the darkness."

"I can dance well enough."

Gojyo elbowed him, laughing.

"I knew there was life in the old dog yet!"

"Not exactly _life_ , Gojyo –"

"Oh, for – Put on your dancing shoes, Cho. We're going to a hop."


	4. Forsaking all Others

"I don't think this is a good idea," Hakkai said. "I mean, weddings are held in churches. And churches are – " He shuddered. "Not healthy environments."

"This is barely even a wedding," Gojyo said. "Sherri, or Brandi, or Campari, or whatever her name is – she's just one of the bridesmaids, and her boyfriend has ghosted her. She needs a date."

"Oh - _Sandi?_ " Hakkai said. "Wasn't Headless Hank going out with her?"

"Yeah, her. He said it got too stressful balancing his head on his neck. Anyway, he dumped her, and now she's going out with me. You're going as her fat friend's date."

"That's extremely rude and very insensitive, Gojyo."

"I've seen her."

"Gojyo!"

"I'm sure she's a lovely, charming girl. And they'll both be drunk and we won't even have to mesmerise them. They'll just assume they had energetic make-out sessions."

"Good. I wouldn't like to kill someone at a wedding. It would be very bad luck for the happy couple. We're still not dealing with the whole _church_ issue, by the way."

"Relax, it's a romantic torch-lit deal at the beach, with some hippie reciting flower-power vows. See? Hardly a wedding at all."

"I don't like the idea of open flame," Hakkai sniffed.

"So don't stand in it! Do I have to do all the thinking around here?"

*

It was a very dark, and romantic evening. It was just perfect for anyone who wanted to put an arm around their date and draw them close and whisper soft nothings up against their jugular. All the guests had already been given champagne, even though the wedding part of the evening hadn't actually taken place yet, and they were very cheerful. Except for Gojyo, as his dinner had run off with the bride to make sure that everything was perfect for her entrance down the torch-lit pathway.

"Hey, man," he said, wandering over to where Hakkai stood with his date Maddie, pouring his champagne into her glass, "Wanna share your girl?"

"What?" she said, staring at him.

"Ignore him, he's a boor. A neanderthal boor. Go and find Sandi, Gojyo." Hakkai smiled winningly at his victim. "You're all mine. Just one quick question: do you have any really interesting opinions about poetry that might distract me?"

"I wasn't really ever any good at interpreting it in school," she said.

"Good, I'm hungry! I mean, ahaha, I'm just joking."

"I can talk about science?"

"Oh, dear me, no. That doesn't do it for me at _all_."

"Do I know that guy?" Gojyo said, looking at one of the ushers trying to get the guests to sit on the uncomfortable chairs set out on the sand.

"I wouldn't know. Do you?"

"I dunno. That's why I asked you."

"I think he's one of the bride's cousins," Maddie said. "On her stepmom's side."

They looked at the young man, taking in his mid-brown hair, tied neatly back in a short pony-tail, his round, cheerful face, the way his inquisitive, golden eyes focused on them unerringly.

"Holy –" Hakkai murmured.

"Shit," Gojyo finished. 

The celebrant wandered out of the darkness to the end of the lit pathway, flicking a cigarette butt away from him. He was in his day-job clothes, it would appear, the white robes nicely offset with some sort of scroll tossed around his shoulders and prayerbeads wrapped around one wrist. His hair still looked like it hadn't been brushed for a week and he had a general air of wishing he was a thousand miles away. The young usher gave a piercing whistle and nodded at Hakkai and Gojyo.

Sanzo the Vampire Slayer – apparently also currently Sanzo the Hippie Buddhist Wedding Celebrant - raised his hands and began to chant, his voice gathering power.

"Ladies and Gentlemen! A mantra to bless the gathering before the bride and groom appear!" Monkeyboy called out. He made a shooting gesture at Hakkai and Gojyo.

"It's been lovely, my dear," Hakkai said quickly. "You're absolutely delicious, but I simply must go."

"Yeah, see ya, doll," Gojyo said.

They turned into mist and blew away.

Maddie sighed. This sort of thing always happened when Sandi set her up on a blind date.


	5. Voluntold

"Hey," Gojyo said, taking in the discarded, drained corpse lying twisted on the floor, Hakkai standing over it wiping his lips. "Good for you, man! I knew you had it in you. Literally, right now."

"He said the limerick is the highest poetic form," Hakkai said, the bloodlust still blazing in his eyes. "What else was I supposed to do, Gojyo?"

"You have avenged literature," Gojyo said solemnly. "Feeling better?"

"Mmm-hmm," Hakkai said, dabbing at his mouth with a handkerchief. "I do feel rather guilty that he paid for tutoring sessions until the end of the month."

"Ehhh, screw him. Did you screw him?"

"No! What sort of teacher do you think I am?"

"Hey, chill, I'm not casting aspersions. He just looks like he'd have been a good athletic screw, that's all."

"Probably," Hakkai said with a little sigh at the thought of so much wasted potential. If he had been a naughty teacher. "He was on some sort of football team. Too much sport, not enough study, Adrian," he said sternly to the corpse.

"Stop talking to your dinner. We have a neighbourhood association meeting."

Hakkai perked up at once, the melancholy vanishing. He loved meetings. So much _planning_ and diary coordination and charts to fill in with different coloured pens – he shuddered with unholy delight.

"Ooh, is it the full moon already?"

"Come on, we'll swing by the graveyard and find some goths for dessert later."

They hurried off and slipped into the community centre to find the meeting in full swing. Mistress Morwenna was on her usual rant about the unhealthy eating habits of modern humans and how greasy their blood was. No one else was paying attention, also as usual.

"Hey, guys," Gojyo said. "I'd just like it noted that nobody in the 18th century ate a vegetable if they could possibly help it."

"I ate a vegan last week," Hakkai said helpfully. " _So_ many beans. I was terribly gassy. You need to expand your hunting range beyond the McDonalds' car park, Morwenna."

"C'n we move on to discussing the real issue of the night?" a voice said at floor level. "Watch your feet there, Gojyo."

"Sorry, man," Gojyo said, sitting down as Headless Hank picked up his head and plonked it safely on his knee. "Hey, I saw your ex the other night."

"Yeah? I hope you didn't make her one of your bloodsuckin' minions, she's kind of hard work."

"Just because she wanted a boyfriend with a head on his neck?" Hakkai said. "I suppose that could be construed as demanding."

"The point is, we've got a threat in town! That bottle blond murderin' exorcist just won't stop!"

"I believe that vampire slayer would be his main occupation," Hakkai said. "And I think his hair colour is natural."

"I don't think his hair colour is the most important issue," Morwenna hissed. "He has killed six vampires this month alone!"

"And he exorcised my horse!" Hank said in annoyance. "I left it hitched up proper, and it was gone when I got my night's hauntin' done with."

"Maybe you didn't tie it tight enough," Gojyo said helpfully. "It could have wandered off?"

"It's a ghost! What was it gonna do?"

"Me and Hakkai," Gojyo said, resting his feet on the back of the chair in front of him, and inadvertently sticking them through a rather glum inchoate spirit, "We're not afraid of Sanzo the Virgin. His whole, _Oh, woe is me, my destiny is to be the Chosen One who never gets his Leg Over_ doesn't scare us."

Hakkai sighed. Really, Gojyo could be most insensitive about people's lifestyle choices.

"Pfft, celibate chosen one, my ass," Sal said, finally stopping her enthusiastic scratching of her ear with her foot. "He's always shaking it down in the gay clubs at the weekends." She grinned a sharp fanged smile and smoothed her fur into order. "Him and his little sidekick."

Hakkai pursed his lips in disapproval. "Really. That boy is a bit young for him, don't you think?"

"He dresses young, you mean."

"Is any of this relevant?" Morwenna said. "Can't we just kill them, irrespective of their sexual activities?"

"Why not?' Gojyo said. "we’ve faced 'em down twice already and come out on top, they're not so bad."

"I move that Gojyo an' Hakkai shoot these varmints down," Hank said, lifting his head up at arm's length to make sure everyone heard.

"Seconded," Morwenna hissed.

"Hold on," Gojyo said.

"I vote for you two facing certain death," Sal said. "I didn't appreciate that delivery of dry dog food last full moon, Gojyo."

"Hey, that was a joke! Hakkai?"

"I told you it was rude! Ah, people, maybe we can discuss this?"

"I vote not to have people put their feet through me. Send these two jokers off to die," the spirit Gojyo was using as a footrest whispered.

"Carried!" Morwenna howled.

Hakkai sighed. He hadn't had a chance to use his coloured pens at all.


	6. The Best Laid Plans

"You've got to learn not to boast, Gojyo," Hakkai sighed. "Look at the trouble it's caused."

"Insouciant boasting is all part of the vampiric aesthetic," Gojyo said, kicking an empty beer can at a black cat. It was unclear who was more surprised - Gojyo, when the cat hissed and ran back to its witch mistress who cackled and cursed them both to immediate success in running into Sanzo, or Hakkai, who hadn't realised that Gojyo knew words like _insouciant_ or _aesthetic_.

"You bloody hag!" Gojyo yelled up at the witch as she shot off on her broomstick, the cat clinging on for dear life.

"Thank'ee, darling!" she shouted back, laughing at his discomfiture.

"I'm going to chase her."

"You are not. Chasing old ladies, indeed. Have some manners. Chase a human old lady if you must, they're easier to catch."

"I have a plan. I wrestle Sanzo to the ground, you bite him."

"Ye-es," Hakkai said. "It's a start. What about his mystic powers? And the vampire destroying spells? And Monkeyboy? Did you see what that young hooligan did to those unfortunate zombies? I certainly don't want him hitting _me_ with a length of lead piping."

"We're immune to lead piping."

"Theoretically. But while we're staggering around seeing stars Sanzo will chant us into our component atoms."

"I prefer my component atoms where they are," Gojyo said, stroking his hands possessively all down the length of his really quite long torso and thighs. Yes, really quite long, Hakkai thought. He rather approved of the current arrangement of Gojyo's atoms _and_ molecules.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Just – thinking about girls," Hakkai said, wrenching his eyes back up to face level.

"Yeah, I get you, man. Let's go and see if there are any morbid goth chicks hanging round the graveyard."

Hakkai put on an interested expression, even though the acrylic lace always got stuck in his fangs. A quick snack _would_ probably help in the planning process.

They were back in their lair well before dawn, the heavy velvet curtains drawn tight against the encroaching daylight. Gojyo strode back and forth, fulminating. Not against anything in particular, but because it too was part of his aesthetic.

"Can we plan now?" Hakkai said mildly. He reached out and swiped a smear of blood from the side of Gojyo's mouth with his thumb, sucking it clean. Mmmm, Gojyo. "I'd like to have the murders done and dusted – if you'll pardon my French – before I run my tutoring ad again. I don't want Monkeyboy showing up looking for help with his homework."

"No way," Gojyo said. "He'd be all, _What's a poem?_ and three hours later when you’d just got going he'd have beaten you to death and you wouldn't even have noticed."

"Yes, yes, very funny."

Gojyo grinned, and Hakkai's heart almost started beating again. It was terribly embarrassing.

* * *

Their attack was horrific, and terrifying, and drenched in blood. Unfortunately, most of it was theirs. A simple ambush had seemed the best approach, given Gojyo's total and complete inability to plan anything ever.

"Are you sure you saw them?" Hakkai whispered for the sixth time.

"Yes, man. They chased some sort of demon down that alley! It ends in a garage's yard – either the demon got them, or they've got to come back this way."

"The sun. Is almost. Up," Hakkai said through gritted fangs. "He won't need to turn us to dust if we wait much longer."

"Shh, listen!"

Hakkai bent his vampiric sense on the alleyway and heard youthful chatter about the vileness of pig demons. He felt quite insulted. Their prey rounded the corner, spattered with greenish blood, and looking a little tired. Monkeyboy had a long lead pipe slung over one shoulder, and Sanzo was lighting a cigarette and responding in monosyllables to the stream of frankly specieist remarks.

"Three, Two, One," Gojyo whispered, which was quite a display of numeracy from him, and they leapt on top of their targets.

"Bite the fucker!" Gojyo yelled, wrestling Sanzo to the ground.

"Are we going back to that plan?" Hakkai said. "I thought –"

"Just bite him!"

"Sanzo!"

It wasn't that Hakkai hadn't _expected_ to be hit at some point, but he hadn't really expected to find himself rolling over and over on the filthy ground - he rather liked that – and smacking into a wall. He touched the side of his head and found it was dented. Hmm. He jumped up with a snarl, seeing his own hair and brain-matter adorning Monkeyboy's pipe. Sanzo was yelling a mix of some choice Anglo-Saxon and the start of an ancient Tibetan chant.

"Whoa! Shut the fuck up, man!" Gojyo yelled and stuck his hand in Sanzo's mouth. "Ow! He bit me! Hakkai, the fucker bit me!"

Hakkai charged in and turned into a bat as Monkeyboy swung for him again, landing on the other side of Sanzo and Gojyo to give Sanzo a good kick. He felt rather dizzy, though he wasn't sure if it was the head injury or the growing daylight.

"Fuck! That was _me!_ Kick _him!_ "

"Oh, I do apologise, Gojyo – young man, stop that!"

The pipe missed his face by an inch.

"These spectacles are antiques! I'd never replace them!"

"Mmmf-mmmmmf-ppppmmm-mmmhpp," Sanzo intoned, and Gojyo shrieked. 

"No fair! You can't even say it clearly!"

Sanzo flicked his cigarette lighter and Gojyo's hair frizzled.

"You two losers are toast," Monkeyboy said, giving Hakkai a solid blow in the chest that made several ribs cave in and would definitely have collapsed a lung, if his lungs hadn't long since shrivelled away to desiccated leathery bags.

"I believe we can wear you down," Hakkai said, jumping back.

"Two words, _Hakkai_ ," Monkeyboy said, his gaze flickering to something behind Hakkai. As if anyone would fall for a trick _that_ old. "It's sunrise."

Hakkai stared at him, then took just enough of a step back to be out of range and risked a quick look back. Pale morning sunlight was beginning to stretch across the ground. Oh, _dear_.

"Gojyo! _Gojyo!_ "

"Yeah," Monkeyboy yelled mockingly, "Gojyo! Time to go!" He belted Gojyo off Sanzo and laughed as he rolled right across the band of sunlight and came up, shrieking, in the shadows on the other side.

Sanzo was already on his feet, in full chant, pointing at them.

They decided that running was the better part of valour.


	7. Picture This

"We're never going to be able to show our faces in public again," Hakkai moaned. He gingerly touched the side of his head which still felt a little mushy. The lead pipe must have been blessed.

"No, see, we actually fought Bimbo the Vampire Slayer and lived to tell the tale," Gojyo said. "We're heroes! If you so much as say one word about us not actually living I will throw you into the daylight myself."

"I was about to say," Hakkai said with great dignity, "that I've heard he has three PhDs. He's hardly a bimbo."

"Whatever. _You_ collect university degrees like they're going out of fashion, and you get confused crossing the road."

"What – I do not! I just hadn't seen a car before. _No one_ had seen a car before at the time. You're such an anti-intellectual, Gojyo."

"It's kept me alive – not one friggin' word, Hakkai – all this time. OK, Dr Cho, what's the spell that Dr Dr Dr Bimbo was trying to cast at us and how do we counteract it?"

"I've never studied classical Tibetan," Hakkai said, annoyed that he had to admit such a basic lapse in his education. "Give me a few years –"

"How about a day or so?"

"I'll go to the library this evening," Hakkai sighed. "They'll have forgotten about me eating those people who wouldn't keep quiet by now. I hope." Honestly, he'd provided a valuable service for other serious readers. There had been no need for all that running and screaming.

"I'll go with you."

"Oh. Do you want to help me research?"

"Nah, I figure I'll pick up some egghead chick who's given up on being able to attract a man. Her desperation, my dinner."

Hakkai shook his head. Gojyo could be so, so – devilishly attractive, of course – but also, quite a cad. He sucked his fangs ruminatively. A successful cad. Maybe _he_ should – he shuddered. He just couldn't imagine talking to anyone like that. It was so _forward_. He'd just stay in the background as usual. And watch Gojyo at work as his mousy little victim let down her surprisingly luxuriant hair and took off her glasses while Gojyo took off everything –

"What _are_ you grinning about?"

"Irregular verbs."

"You're sick, man. You know that, right?"

* * *

The library proved oddly lacking in classical Tibetan resources. It was shocking, and Hakkai quite felt the need to devour the librarian who looked at him as if he were slightly odd even for asking. However, he thought he would probably need the man later for putting in inter-library loan requests, so he refrained, although he did gouge quite deep grooves in the check-out desk with his sharp, sharp nails.

"You done?" Gojyo said, wandering up, licking his fingers, several semi-dressed and weakly giggling women in his wake.

"Yes," Hakkai sighed. It would be quite rude to the ladies if he complained about missing the show and asked Gojyo for a repeat performance – He shook himself firmly. Oh, dear. No, this attitude would never do. He was a civilised, _polite_ man. Vampire. Soulless creature of the night who blasted well _could_ ask – No, no. He'd obviously been marinading in Gojyo's _Weltanschauung_ for far too long.

"You've got that weird look on your face again, what's on your mind?"

"Marinading in your _Weltanschauung_."

Gojyo raised an eyebrow. 

" . . . right. Let's go, you need some air."

"I don't actually breathe, Gojyo."

Gojyo dragged him out into the unforgiving night.

"I have a plan."

"Oh, dear. Is it better than wrestling Sanzo to the ground whilst I bite him?"

"Yes! And if you'd bitten him a bit _faster_ \- anyway, we're going clubbing."

"Oh, good. I've always wanted a sealskin coat."

Gojyo gave him a look of immense ennui. And then one of terrible Angst. He finished up with one of deep sarcasm for good measure.

"To a nightclub, Hakkai. Specifically the one that Sal tends bar at."

"Why? Do you want to go out with a lesbian werewolf? I'm not sure you're her type."

"It's a mixed and varied clientele! And she's seen Sanzo there! Shaking his off-duty vampire-slaying ass!"

"I think she was making that up," Hakkai said morosely. "I hardly think someone who goes around killing monsters would, as the young people say, _get down_ with them at the weekend."

"Please don't try to use modern terms," Gojyo said, "It's weird. And why wouldn't he, once he's off the clock? This is the Twentieth Century, Hakkai –"

"Twenty-First," Hakkai said.

"What? No," Gojyo frowned. "Really?"

"For twenty years."

"Fine. My point stands! People are less bigoted these days."

"He literally _kills us_ ," Hakkai said. 

"Even vampire slayers need to relax now and then. At least I have a plan."

The awful truth struck home, and Hakkai looked up at the stars, unseen in the light pollution. It suited his melancholy, eternal and vast.

Gojyo was right.

* * *

Hakkai looked up at the garish signage on the front of the dingy building. Really, if _he_ were suddenly to become a werewolf with a desire to open a drinking establishment he would find a name a little less obvious than _Howl at the Moon_. And he certainly wouldn't have an image of a wolfman silhouetted against the moon as its logo. Werewolves were so, so – he sought for a word that he could, in his own mind, classify as fair and unbiased, and was rather pleased when Gojyo interrupted him.

"C'mon," Gojyo said, and strolled past the line of humans waiting to enter. "Eat you later," he said lazily to one young man whose complaints about queue jumpers were especially loud and flashed him a fang-filled grin. 

The bouncer was an enormously tall, very wide zombie. He was new in the neighbourhood, or at least Hakkai hadn't seen him before. He smelled fresh, anyway.

"Sal working tonight?" Gojyo said.

"Euuuuuugghhh."

"Cool. 'Scuse us."

"Euuuuuugghhh."

It was dark and musty smelling inside. Much better than the brightly lit streets. Gojyo shoved dancers aside and went to the bar, ignoring the human man who tried to take his order.

"Fuck off, Bill, I know these assholes," Sal said. "So, how's it going, guys? Word is you got your asses handed to you by a pacifist and a little boy."

"I don't really recognise that description," Hakkai said primly. "And you're the one who implied that Monkeyboy's older than he looks."

"Yeah, but the story's funnier this way," Sal said. "You become a monk yet, Gojyo?"

"It wouldn't be fair to deprive the universe of my sheer sexual energy," Gojyo said. "I need to spread the joys of little Gojyo around."

"Yeah," Sal said with a mean grin, "I heard it's little."

"Not the time or place," Hakkai said quickly, as Gojyo started to disrobe. "You know Sal isn't interested in, ahem, our particular configuration anyway."

"Maybe I want a tiny snack," Sal said, displaying strong, sharp canines.

"We're all interested in the same goal," Hakkai said. "Let's be civil."

Sal pulled a bottle of viscous red liquid up from under the counter and filled two martini glasses, tossing rather sad olives in. Hakkai sipped his drink, politely hiding the grimace. It really wasn't terribly fresh and had been chilled at some point. Ugh. He so much preferred organic. Gojyo paid, tipping munificently. They hadn't lacked for cash since he had eaten a drug dealer and they'd found the bundles of notes in the man's gym bag. Of course, that had taken some time, as Hakkai had had to dedicate a couple of days to finding Gojyo who was quite out of his mind on the man's drugged blood, and had been convinced that he was an owl, running away hooting whenever he was approached.

"Did you really see Sanzo out clubbing?" Gojyo said.

"Yep. Wearing gold sequinned hotpants."

"Hakkai said you're a mangy lying bi -" Gojyo said, swirling his olive around and around.

"I did not!"

Sal glared at Hakkai as he spluttered outraged denials.

"I don't have the mange! And I'm not lying!" She slapped a crucifix down on the bar and smirked as Hakkai retreated hissing. "Mind your manners, Cho!"

"I never said any of that!"

"How come you aren't backing off wetting yourself too, Gojyo?"

"Lapsed Buddhist," Gojyo shrugged. "Come to that – Hakkai, why do _you_ act like you have an allergy?"

"I was raised Catholic."

"Hakkai – he was not, ignore him. He just thinks it's more romantic. You know we were alive when Buddhism was the next big thing in China, Hakkai. You were not raised Catholic. We went to India with a Sanzo of our own, for fuck's sake!"

"I was still raised Catholic," Hakkai muttered.

"You knew Sanzo back when you were alive?" Sal said, confused.

"Ehh, different guy. Our one was less with the slaying, more with the guilting. He could turn on the waterworks at a second's notice."

"He had a complexion like a very young girl," Hakkai said in a far-away voice. He blinked as he registered how both Sal and Gojyo were looking at him. "Sorry, yes?"

"Does he know what a creepy bastard he is?"

"Nah."

"Look, you two Hammer horror rejects, Sanzo trawls through all the gay clubs regularly. I'd say he'll be in here tonight."

"What makes you say that?" Hakkai said. Perhaps it was some sort of werewolf sensitivity.

"He's started fights in most of the other clubs this month, so if he's looking for fun this is the only place he can be. Look around, guys; I get paid to be here – but you two are the only non-humans stupid enough to be here off your own bat." She sniggered. "Bat, get it?"

Gojyo rolled his eyes in a most impolite manner, while Hakkai cultivated an air of world-weary sorrow at such an ancient jest.

"What makes you think he won't just stick you with a silver cocktail swizzler?" Gojyo said.

"I always comp his first drink. I'm golden."

She lifted the phone at the end of the bar just as it rang.

"It gives off this high-pitched noise," she said, "Yeah? Yeah, they're here. It's for you two. It's Clarence at the front door."

Gojyo took the phone, Hakkai crowding close to listen in. 

"Yo, Clarence my man – zombie – whatever. How's it hanging? Firmly attached, I hope?"

_"Euuuuuugghhh."_

"No way."

_"Euuuuuugghhh."_

"Thanks, man."

Hakkai took the deepest, most dramatic breath he could. He was sure it made him look awfully resolute. Gojyo tossed the receiver back to Sal.

Sanzo was on his way in.

* * *

"Are you sure this'll work?"

"No."

"Are you sure you don't want to go back to wrestle-and-bite?"

"Absolutely not."

"Are you sure that's actually them?"

Hakkai peered through the gloom of the dance floor and focused on the sight of Monkeyboy in his extremely tight, extremely short shorts and glittery unicorn t-shirt literally dancing rings around Sanzo. The glimmer from his neon glow sticks caught the shimmery highlighter on his cheekbones – if you could call those cheekbones. Now Gojyo, _he_ had cheekbones. Hakkai forced himself from his reverie and squinted at Sanzo. Never in his unlife had Hakkai seen that much white velvet, which was saying something when he thought of Gojyo's unfortunate disco phase. The golden satin shirt and green-and-white Hermès scarf knotted into a casual cravat just added to the blinding ensemble. Vampire slaying – or perhaps officiating at weddings – really must be better paying than expected if he could afford accessories like that. Most alarmingly, he appeared to have brushed his hair.

"Let's move," he said.

Gojyo melted into mist and floated away, and Hakkai carefully and politely made his way across the dance floor.

"Excuse me – Oh, please pardon me - I just need to get past here, thank you – My, what an astonishing gown, young man! - Excuse me – "

He slid into place, reached out and grabbed Monkeyboy's wrist, spinning him around and into his arms.

"Hello," he said, his eyes flashing as the laughter died on Monkeyboy's face. "Aren't _you_ delectable?" Then he quickly kissed the squirming young man, giving his bottom lip a little nip. Ah, yes. Lovely. "Delicious," he said, and sprinted away, shoving people quite rudely out of his path, being as obvious as he could.

Behind him a yell of _Sanzo!_ rose in volume. Dear me, it was quite thrilling, stealing a kiss. No wonder Gojyo liked it so much. 

He was off the dance floor and running down a corridor, past the toilets, around the corner and there was the emergency exit. Oh, blast. A human couple, engaged in getting to know each other quite well.

"Please move," Hakkai said.

"Fuck off," one young man said.

" _Move!_ " Hakkai roared, giving them a full view of blazing eyes and sharp fangs in an unnaturally pallid face.

They ran off, shrieking, back the way he'd come. He just had time to – yes! The exit was locked, there'd be no escape for his prey that way. He turned at bay as his pursuers came around the corner, and charged them, rolling under Monkeyboy's blow with a sharpened stake – where on earth had he been hiding that? Those shorts weren't hiding _anything_ else. He managed to knock Sanzo back and he lost his place in the chant he'd started, and then he grabbed Monkeyboy and shoved him right into Sanzo. He clutched at Sanzo to stay upright, the vampire slayer's arms going around him in a steadying embrace.

"Hey, fuckers," Gojyo said. "Smile!"

They looked up in unison, and Gojyo, sitting on the ceiling, grinned and snapped a quick series of photos on the phone he'd taken from the drug dealer along with the cash. Behind them, Hakkai scurried up the wall to join him.

"Do you morons think you're out of reach?" Sanzo said. He started to chant again.

"Not so fast!" Gojyo said loudly. "I'm sending this picture to everyone in the address book of this phone! To everyone we know! To everyone _you_ know!"

"So?" Sanzo said. He had stopped chanting and was looking very irritated. Still, he wasn't chanting. Hakkai was prepared to take that as a good sign.

"Your whole thing is that you're some sort of monk, and _he's_ a kid! And here you are in an intimate clinch –" Hakkai tried not to wince. The line _did_ sound a bit ridiculous, coming from Gojyo. He should have let him come up with his own version.

"Don’t be ridiculous," Sanzo said. "The other moron shoved him at me."

"You don't even know our contacts," Monkeyboy said, sounding a bit panicked, and Hakkai and Gojyo both grinned in victory.

"I'm your cousin's best friend's boyfriend," Gojyo said casually. "Wanna _bet_ I don't have your cousin on speed dial too? I bet she'd like to see the real qualifications her wedding celebrant has."

"Hey, Sanzo didn't get the gig just 'cos he's my boyf- I mean, he's a real ordained Buddhist priest! And my cousin can't be cheating with you! She just got married!"

"It's the vampiric aura, man. Chicks dig it."

"Shut up! All of you!" Sanzo snapped. "You morons are _blackmailing_ us?"

"I'm terribly sorry, but yes. Yes, we are," Hakkai said. "We'd like you to leave town. Perhaps you could try Santa Carla or Sunnydale? They both have quite large undead communities."

"And if we don't?"

Gojyo poked at the screen of the phone. "The images are already in the cloud, man. I've left instructions on how to retrieve 'em, in the event of our untimely annihilation."

"Maybe I'll just dust you anyway," Sanzo said, and began to chant.

"And from now on every vampire you kill will die laughing at you!" Hakkai said quickly. "Right now I bet the werewolves are making the pictures into – what are those things called, Gojyo?"

"Youyous," Gojyo said.

"Memes," Monkeyboy said. "God, you've only ever seen the word written down, haven't you?"

"You haven't heard the last of this!" Sanzo yelled and snarled out a phrase that made Hakkai and Gojyo's ears ring. The locked exit slammed open, the fire alarm went off, and Sanzo and Monkeyboy made their escape as the sprinklers started up.

Hakkai and Gojyo floated down to land in the wet corridor and went outside to stare moodily and scenically at the chaos.

"I think that went quite well," Hakkai said.

"Do you think they'll go?"

"I hope so, before they work out that neither of us actually know anything about phones or magic clouds or whatever it is you were talking about." They both sniggered and looked at the shaky images that really didn't show much of anything at all.

"You know," Hakkai said as they strolled away from the panicked crowd, Gojyo snagging a pretty young thing for a quick bite as they left, "When you were rolling around on the ground with Sanzo before and he bit you – do you think he swallowed any of your blood?"

Gojyo stared at him, and then cast his eyes upward in sheer annoyance. "What? Oh, shit! I never even – do you mean to say I could just have been ordering the fucker around instead of this garbage?"

Hakkai gave an elegant shrug, full of the anguish of eternally hovering between the boundaries of life and death.

"Possibly."

"Let's prank call him and tell him to do things."

"How do we get his number?"

"I ring Sandi, she gives me Monkeyboy's cousin's number, she tells me."

"Maybe we should just check the graveyard for goths again?"

"That works for me too." 

"I'm glad we can get back to normal," Hakkai said. He had some intense brooding to catch up on and planned to sit on the roof staring soullessly at the world for at least one night a week.

"Yeah, at last we're back to our regular lives," Gojyo said.

"You know, technically, Gojyo –"

Gojyo groaned, turned into a bat and flew away. Hakkai stared after him and sighed. Such grace in flight, such _manly_ high-pitched squeaks.

He pressed a hand to his brow and sighed at the sheer poetry of it all.


	8. Heroes of the Hour

"And that is how we, the devastatingly handsome and hyper-intelligent vampires among you, the incredibly brave and modest Sha Gojyo and Cho Hakkai defeated the scourge of the undead and sent him packing," Gojyo finished, giving the room a thumbs up and slouching down in his seat again. "Hakkai, did I miss anything?"

"Not really," Hakkai said. "Although we may be getting official complaints from our friends in Santa Clara soon."

"You're sure he hasn't gone to Sunnydale?" Morwenna whispered atmospherically from her perch up in the roof. She really did try too hard sometimes.

"Man, Sunnydale's a dump," Gojyo said. "It's so full of low-ranked hunters and weirdoes that a newcomer would never make his mark. You take it from me, the next time you hear about a flashy blond vampire slayer, it'll be in Santa Clara."

"Who's paying for the water damage in the club?" Sal said. "And for the fine for calling the fire brigade out for nothing?" She glared at Gojyo, who lit a cigarette and ostentatiously drew the smoke down into his shrivelled, dead lungs, holding it for several minutes before blowing perfect circles at her.

"Not me," he said.

"Or me," Hakkai quickly said. "Check your security cameras, you won't see us on them."

She threw a chair at them both, snarling as they ducked with vampiric speed.

"I meant," Hakkai clarified, "that _Sanzo_ did it! He cast a spell that made the sprinklers go off!"

"Pardon me fer sayin' it," Headless Hank said. "But you two were supposed to kill the slayers, not just chase 'em out of town. You didn't even get my horse back!"

"Sorry," Hakkai said, smiling apologetically. "We had a lot on our plates right then."

Hank turned his head to face the wall, muttering something about falling behind on hauntings now that he had to walk everywhere. Hakkai debated mentioning that he'd read that the makers of the Segway were killing it off, and that perhaps Hank could therefore soon ride the ghost of one of them instead. Perhaps not. It might be too much of a change after a century on a skeletal horse.

"We saved your asses," Gojyo said, unfolding himself and standing. "Not that we expect your eternal thanks or anything –"

"- good, because you'll be waiting," Sal sniffed.

" – right. C'mon, Hakkai. Let's go and rip the petals off flowers in the unnatural light cast by the street lamps."

Hakkai followed him, feeling quite a-flutter. Oh. He'd turned into a bat like some sort of blushing, barely dead fellow. How _romantic_ Gojyo could be. He resumed human form and walked out by his side.

"How brief and pitiable the existence of these blossoms is!" Gojyo said, when they found a suitably lush public display of plants. He scattered petals one by one, his face full of decadent boredom and indifference. "So like the lives of mortals."

Hakkai steadied himself. What a depressing and cruel image to be imprinted on the twisted pathways of his febrile brain. He loved it. Gojyo threw his head back, the sickly light shining on the pale pillar of his throat. Hakkai swallowed hard. It didn't do much good, as his mouth and throat were totally dust dry. He really couldn't take his eyes off Gojyo's perfect, awful form.

"Why don't you recite those poems about the evil flowers to me?" Gojyo said, his eyes unfocused.

"You want me to recite Baudelaire to you?" Hakkai said in a strangled voice. "Oh, Gojyo!"

Gojyo looked at him more normally. "You OK, man?"

"I think I may have spontaneously achieved sexual ecstasy," Hakkai said. He put a hand over his mouth and bit down viciously. He really hadn't meant to say that aloud.

Gojyo smiled and went back to shredding flowers.

"It's the vampiric aura. _Everyone_ digs it. C'mon, decadent French poetry! Other types of decadence can wait for after."

He tore the heads from roses in a sultry manner as Hakkai prowled around him, hissing verses in French. It was an alarming and terrifying scene perfectly illustrating the hopelessness of those who waited eternally in the liminal state of the undead, forever banished from the worlds of light and of Eternal Bliss.

Hakkai had never felt so alive.


End file.
